The Evolution of a Princess
Transsexualism isn't the kind of "disease" that you can easily spot. It is in actuality just a statement of how the brain functions. How it perceives the world around and process the information it takes in. I was born in a male body, however my brain was that of a girl. What makes it complicated is that a child brain is also very different from an adult brain. Children are amazing and in some aspects they never grow up! We each carry around bits and pieces of our childhood beliefs, hurts, joys and dreams.
I must have shown signs of gender dysphoria as a child beyond simple curiosity but being an only child and THE only child in the family at that point I don't think anyone knew what to look for. Hell it was the 80's I'm sure they were still trying to "wake up" after the previous drug induced decades! Regardless I moved from the pristine waters of Lake Tahoe to Springfield Missouri when I was eight. It seems my mother and father thought i needed a more steady masculine influence in my life. I remember telling my grandfather once I moved here (and whom i had just met) that I wanted to be a girl when I grew up. You can imagine the teasing that occurred.
I must have shown signs of gender dysphoria as a child beyond simple curiosity but being an only child and THE only child in the family at that point I don't think anyone knew what to look for. Hell it was the 80's I'm sure they were still trying to "wake up" after the previous drug induced decades! Regardless I moved from the pristine waters of Lake Tahoe to Springfield Missouri when I was eight. It seems my mother and father thought i needed a more steady masculine influence in my life. I remember telling my grandfather once I moved here (and whom i had just met) that I wanted to be a girl when I grew up. You can imagine the teasing that occurred.
I just thought that I was gonna grow up to be a woman. I already had a distinct image of what I'd look like! As a child I thought it was possible, I didn't know how it was possible, it just was. Well once that dream was shattered I tried to assimilate, or at least wait until something would "make" me a man. Each step of puberty I waited subconsciously for the next "manly" step to induce manhood. The ability to orgasm, the voice change, pubic hair, underarm hair, hairy legs, hairy chest, even the hairy face. However it tore me apart along with my sexuality. Sexuality was easy to deal with once I began to no longer hide behind religion. I simply have no desire or interest in women sexually. I came out at the oh so tender age of 14. While it wasn't "OK" for a man to be gay, he was still a man. I still subconsciously shield away from anything that was overtly "woman". I wore blues and stayed away from red (because when I moved to Missouri my cousins told me red was a color only girls can like), I stayed away from drag, "Rocky Horror Picture Show" scared me senseless and I tried to pretend that I was comfortable as a man. I even dated. He's six months older then me and to this day he is still one of the most gorgeous men on the face of the planet (and my god can the man kiss!). However as I became more and more comfortable with my sexuality I was still burdened by an intense fear.
It wasn't really until after my next relationship which put me at twenty that i began really dealing with gender. During that relationship I had began "testing the waters" of drag along with my circle of friends. I was reintroduced to the magic of makeup and heels. But I never really considered it anything other then play. It was after watching "soldiers girl" that it came crashing down on me just what being transsexual was, who I was and what I wanted. It was obvious that I had much ahead of me.
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